Weapon of Choice? Shoot 1UP? Ringing any bells for ya? It should because Mommy’s Best Games has been responsible for some of the best games on the XBLIG service. Good news is, it looks like they are still at it. So go right ahead, hit play on the video above, and get your Microsoft Points ready.
And rampage I shall, on the topic of a certain RPG. As I’ve mentioned on the Twitters, I’ve been playing a little game called Final Fantasy 13. Of course, by “playing” I really mean sitting in front of it mashing the ‘X’ button while things happen for about an hour at a time at which point I get annoyed and wander off. Now let’s keep in mind that I’m roughly 8 hours into the game and it is my understanding that the game really doesnt begin for another 12 hours. So maybe my complaints change at some point — I don’t know. What I do know is that at this point it seems to me Square no longer even understands what an RPG is anymore.
What I consider to be the prominent definition of a Role Playing Games is any game in which you assume the role or identity of a character and experience the narrative of a story from the perspective of that character. In addition to this assumption of identity, there should aslo be an established system for character development or progression and some symbolance of decision making. So far in Final Fantasy 13 we’ve only seen two of these three qualifications fulfilled. We have a progression system and there is the HINT of decision making that may happen in the future with Battle Team customization, which vaguely resembles a decision making system in some ways.
Obviously this leaves the first, and most important RPG characteristic unfulfilled. Up to this point in FFXIII I’ve been flung between five characters entirely at the whim of the game. Oh and as an aside, three of those five characters are in the category of “people I’d like to see fall into a volcano.” So, just as you begin to build some sort of a rapport with a character and identify with them and their perspective you are tossed over to someone you have absolutely no emotional attachment to, and would literally toss into a pit of fire you forced them to dig themselves.
 The pedophile. |
 Uncanny Valley of Cute |
 Emo little bitch. |
Now a sane person would have calmly removed the disc from their console of choice, rubbed their bottom upon said disc, and mailed it to Square Enix. And those individuals would be right and fully justified in doing so. I on the other hand relish in my madness, and intend to whittle away at this game until their is either nothing left, or the last star of the universe burns out. But let me be clear, I’m only doing so because I slept through the lecture on sunk costs in college.
A few days ago, I told a story to my friends over on FriendFeed.com about replying to someones letter/note by simply drawing an angry monster. I was then encouraged by the denizens of that social cave to initiate a monster doodle exchange. Not being one to take any ambition, I requested that if anyone wanted a monster doodle, they would have to mail me a monster doodle of their own and I’d then respond in kind. Well, a few fine people have already tossed the ball squarely into my court with a couple doodles of their own. Now I haven’t gotten these replied to yet, so I wont have any doodles of my own to show quite yet.
This fox, cat, bull horned, lizard tailed, monster thing comes courtesy of my good friend Soup from Filmore, CA. She used a Liberty Bell stamp, which was much appreciated over a Ronald Regan stamp.
Being a person who has fought the snail fight in his own garden, I can say with some authority that snails are infact monsters. This doodle comes from Pflugerville, TX and was hand doodled by Aden who happens to be famous for her snail doodles. She also used a Liberty Bell stamp.
I had begun to write my review of VVVVVV a few days ago. I think it was Thursday to be exact, and then, as Brooks tends to do, a simple instant message led to four days (and running) of total productivity derailment. Now I admit, my nerd cred has been slipping lately, I haven’t been paying too terribly much attention to Penny Arcade aside of strolling in every now and then to catch up on all the strips. So I had missed that they had started dabbling in a little game called Minecraft. A dabble that managed to unleash the hordes upon the developer’s server and somehow or another obliterating its authentication resulting in an impromptu free weekend of play.
Some crazy caves. The feature of the landscape was so big I couldnt fit it all in one screenshot.
So, back to the point, I was writing my VVVVVV review when Brooks sends me a message about a game I need to play called Minecraft. I respond in usual snarky fashion “Did Minesweeper and StarCraft have a baby?” He then proceeded to talk me into it, as he usually does. Explaining how it is basically Dwarf Fortress with a single dwarf and yada yada yada. That is really all it took to have my attention, but maybe its not enough to have yours.
Minecraft is a virtual world game developed by Markus Persson in which you start with nothing, and are stranded in the middle of nowhere and forced to survive. You are more or less given no instruction as to how the game works and unless you’ve read someone elses gushings about it on the internet, you don’t even really know what your first primary objective is.
In my case, Brooks had sent over a youtube video that explained all this, which I totally ignored as I tend to do, preferring instead to go with my typical course of action “charge blindly ahead.” After I spent the first ten minutes or so punching sheep with a bit of vegetation, I felt it was the most opportune time to investigate the provided YouTube link a bit further.
Brooks' estate looking decidedly more awesome than mine.
Holy Maths! You can turn wood into boards, and boards into sticks and sticks with boards become wooden picks, and the world is entirely randomly generated!? It’s at that point my head explodedand it became obvious that any semblance of productivity that might have been possible over the course of the foreseeable future had just been called into question.
The game does have multiplayer, in fact I would assume that is likely where the game’s future lies. Brooks and I are patiently awaiting the relaunch of the official license process so we can set up accounts to play on a server. This should allow us to cooperatively commence our grand works, or lead to ruthless sabotage. But whatever the case may be, It is certainly going to be kick ass.
Someone new showed up at my door today!
Who could this be? Why it’s Remilia Scarlet! Mistress of the Scarlet Devil Mansion.
Miku and Raspberyl greet the new friend. Yui is distracted, as usual.
Remilia notices Yui has taken a liking to her hat.
Everything is back where it belongs.
In this episode, Jesse is confronted with a deal he can’t refuse. But really, who would turn down a Cheese Steak? No one, thats who.
In this special edition of WJP, Jesse tackles his most epic topic to date. Zeus, the Man, the Myth, the God, and the Slot Machine.
It’s update time over at Radiangames, as a brand spanking new version of Inferno has been released for your updating enjoyment. The changes are entirely stolen from the official site and listed below. In addition to the update, you can also get your grubby little nerd paws on the game’s soundtrack. But get it fast because that little item wont be free for long. Hit the linkage in the blocky quotes for the beats. Oh and just as a reminder, you really, really should go buy this game if you haven’t yet. Just stop being a stick in the mud, stop it.
To celebrate, I released the Inferno soundtrack. It won’t be free forever, because there were some changes to the download policy on bandcamp.com, but it’s free right now.
Here’s what got changed in the update:
* Those 4 pylons you see above are gone. They made it too easy to exploit the 1st boss.
* Bosses have a UI health meter. They already had one on their body (the circle in the middle gets smaller), but now it’s easy to see how close they are to dying.
* You can buy 10 drones at once, for 10 times the price. Boo to no discounts, but yay to fewer button presses. (You can still buy single drones too)
* You can no longer skip boss fights if you have extra keys. Keys do nothing on boss levels like they were supposed to.
* The blue sliders in levels 21-25 no longer go through walls on Volcanic, and they also don’t shower you with shots quite so much when you hit them.
* The purple bubbles that move in circles now pursue you only when close instead of only when far away. This makes some levels (11-15 particularly) a little more challenging.
* Damage from bombs to bosses is drastically increased (by six times, to be exact).
* A couple other really minor fixes.
FYI: Updates and playtesting on Fluid continues. I’d estimate it’ll be released the last week of September unless something goes horribly wrong.
So when I started writing for Two Fedoras I was given strict instructions by Fedora-Master Geoff, “No Penises”. Though I’m not sure if I broke the rules just then, I am sure that I wont be breaking the rules with this article. See, “Privates” is a game by “Zombie Cow Studios” where you control Jack Sterling and his squad and enter the human body, in a very unpleasant way, and blast your way though vagina, colons, and almost every other orifice you can think of, fighting off infected sperm and bacterial bad guys in effort to do a body good. It was originally billed as an educational title and then later denounced as such when Zombie Cow Studios sated “While the action takes place in and around peoples’ parts, the anatomy is in no way biologically accurate.”
Originally developed for the 360, Privates proved a little too offensive and broke Microsoft’s guidelines banning sexual content on the 360. Privates wasn’t able to pass peer review and thus the plug was pulled. But all hope is not lost. If you still have a hankerin for some rude crude shoot’em up goodness then rejoice in the fact that Zombie Cow, as of recently, made this game available for PC for the grand total price of FREE dollars. I myself don’t feel the need to submerge my brain back 15 years into a 13 year old’s frame of mind when poop jokes were the best thing since sliced bread. But if you have the itch this game seeks to scratch, feel free to have a go and tell me about it.
You know those stickers that helicopter parents display proudly on the back of their ’88 Honda’s? You know, the ones that say “Proud Parent of an Over Achiever” or “My Child Was Student of the Month at Who Cares Elementary”? These really annoy me, but as a parent myself I can see why people put them where we have no choice but to look. Especially if the bumper that the sticker is crudely attached to is on a car going 55mph in the left lane of the highway. I myself had only earned one of these in my entire 13 year career as a public school student. And my mother, who didn’t want to taint the clean chrome bumper on her ’81 Dodge Waggon, taped it to the inside of her back window.
Ok. Now that we’re familiar with said item, artist “Das Chupa” created a series of “My Child..” bumper stickers for the new wave of parents out there. Parents like me who know the value in defeating Contra on only 3 lives, and are not willing to conform to the ideals of our own parents generation. Das Chupas bumper stickers speak to a thin cross section of the public. And I happen to fit right in. When my kid defeats Gannon on the 2nd quest, you better belive that, I’ll proudly display the corresponding sticker to whatever vehicle I may be driving. Oh, so your kid was on the honor role? MINE KNOCKED MIKE TYSON THE FUCK OUT! Your kid went a whole week without pooping his pants? MINE BEAT WOODMAN ON HIS FIRST ATTEMPT!
The complete set can be seen HERE on Das’s Flickr page.